For you novices out there, getting a death wish fulfilled isn't always easy. One has to put careful planning and consideration into getting themselves killed. Fortunately, we at the School of Sarcasm have devised a short list of things one can do to get themselves killed in slow, painful ways.
- Four days after someone gets their shot(s), sock 'em in the arm! This will get you run over by a rolling piano!
- Ask questions while someone's drawing. Pencils are always neat when they're protruding from your eyeball.
- Say you'll shut up... and then start talking three minutes later. You'll wind up with a Physical Science book shoved forcefully down your gullet but at least you'll be achieving a life goal!
- Pester people about a drawing/list/homework assignment. Hey, you always wanted to be buried alive with a rotting piece of steak, right?
- Call someone fifty billion times a day and then come over uninvited. Soon, you'll wind up with a poisoned drink or your head slammed in the door multiple times.
- Constantly make annoying faces at someone in class. Ask stupid questions the teacher has already answered. Having a pen jammed up your nose into your brain is the most awesome way to die!
- Talk about your sex life. Brag about your (lack of) musical talent. Be a hypocrite. Even if it makes you look like a fool, it'll get you murdered real quick!
- Ask extremely stupid questions and then answer them yourself. Strangulation is always exciting.
- Ask questions about what people are writing about. Who cares if it's personal? They'll gladly stuff your head in the movie projector and turn it on high speeds.
- Act insulted when someone finally blows up in your face. A beating is always an honorable way to go.
- Cyber someone's significant other, even if that someone is your friend and helped you get a project off the ground. Then, when they say they will still be your friend and they forgive you, you can start vieing for attention by drawing pictures portraying them as the bad guy. Haven't you always wanted a computer monitor forced up your anus?
- Pretend you care. You'll love the tearing out of your beating heart later.
- Keep asking the same questions daily even if you've already gotten an answer the day before. Barbed wire shoved down your esophagus is always nice.
- Never admit you're wrong. Cover up by saying, "I know, I'm just kidding" or "I'm just trying to annoy you." You'll love the incredible creativity they come up with when they cover you in honey and lard and tie you to a fireant hill.
- Look over someone's shoulder while they're writing. Maybe they'll waste some paper by making you ingest large amounts until your insides explode.